It’s a pretty safe bet that “voluntary” lockdown and shelter-in-place is not going to win anyone’s best times of 2020 award.  Washington has been shut down since mid-March, and it seems like that’s where I’ll be, wheels down, until travel is a thing again.  Even though we are closed, we are still encouraged to use local businesses that offer curbside or pickup service, and local restaurants that are still open for curbside or take-out goodness.  And yay for that, but even so, cabin fever will creep up on you.

So… in a fit of boredom and ennui, I decided to take a drive to the mecca of burgers fully an hour and a half away.  In Keizer, Oregon there is the closest, (and only) In-N-Out burger in Oregon, and there I sat in a 4-hour line for In-N-Out burgers.  Yes, that’s correct.  It was a 4-hour line, and an hour and a half drive each way.  So if the maths check out, that’s a 7-hour commitment… for a burger.  But to be fair, it’s been over a year since I’ve had In-N-Out and this ex-California guy misses it.  Plus, the cabin fever.

(Now just a side note to say that over my travels this last year I’ve tried all the comparable burger chain places; Whataburger, Steak ‘n Shake, Shake Shack, Five Guys, White Castle, and of course, In-N-Out.  For my money, the best burger is Five Guys, but it is pricey like nobody’s business, and In-N-Out is the easy, solid second place.  Those other places make fine enough burgers, but nothing truly special, and In-N-Out is distinctive, really nicely priced, and not to be trifled with.)

For this visit, the line was like Disneyland.  Literally.  A quarter-mile away from the actual In-N-Out, in the parking lot of a nearby school and 8 lines of cars wide, and maybe 12 cars long.  The lines of cars are let out – one by one – onto the street where they inch down the middle turn lane until they get to the entrance driveway that leads to In-N-Out.  There, 3 more lines of cars are channeled up to the restaurant drive-through entrance, where they get sent into one car at a time.  It is a process.  There are probably a dozen or more In-N-Out employees just doing traffic control at the various points along the way, and they are really earning their pay.

The two best bits of my time in line:  I was routed to the 4^th line in the parking lot and I was the last car in my line.  As each line is led forward when it’s their turn, traffic control starts routing the newly arriving cars right behind the exiting line, so each line is constantly being emptied and then refilled in proper order.  As the last car in my line, the guy who had been routed in behind me gets the stop sign from the traffic control young lady.  He did not stop.  She even attempted to step in front of his car and he maneuvered around her trying to stay behind me.  She made several attempts to get him to get back to his rightful place, and he wasn’t having it.  Kept moving forward when the line moved.  I’m now watching this like a hawk.  I’d been in line for 3 hours so far, it was the best show going.

At this point, I’m a bit worried that this douche is going to get away with it, as the young lady walks away towards the front of the parking lot exit line where cars are let out onto the street.  I should have known better.  She chats with an even younger and smaller-looking girl for a few seconds, gesturing back towards me/him, and the much shorter, slighter girl heads our way. She was maybe 5’2 and 90 pounds, and she was not messing around.  She got in front of the guy directly, would not let him go around her, and continued knocking on his driver side window – which he refused to roll down.  She kept repeating – loudly – “Roll down your window, Sir,”  “Roll, down your window, Sir.” When he would try and advance behind me as I inched forward with the line, she jumped back in front of his car really pretty fearlessly, and he went nowhere.  Finally, after a 3 or 4-minute tug-of-war, he admitted defeat and just turned around out of line and roared away.  (I would have loved to be a fly in the car for the cursing going on in there)  She won, and it was great.

The second bit was, as I was about to edge out onto the street for my journey down the median strip to the In-N-Out driveway, a guy in a big truck stops level with me on the other side of the street eyeballs the lines and all the cars and says, “You can’t be serious.”  And without missing a beat, the boss guy there who looked like he was in charge says, “We’re deadly serious, Sir!”

And that was my In-N-Out adventure.  I got four double-doubles, fries, a small strawberry shake, ate two, took two home for the next day and it was glorious.  I’ve been back twice since.  (The line is much shorter now that Oregon is in phase two.)  Totally worth it.